My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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