I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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