I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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