Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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