She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
