the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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