Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
