I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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