i jhust puked up my retainher.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
