I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
