you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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