wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
ttyl tear gas
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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