At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
