The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
