After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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