he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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