i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
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Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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