Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
