She said her name was "party"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
