I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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