just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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