Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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