make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
