I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
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The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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