i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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