They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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