The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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