Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
