Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
