she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
