i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
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mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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