my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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