You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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