Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
