it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
