Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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