This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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