there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
