i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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