Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
