how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i need some magic done to my vagina
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
