if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
