the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I have post one night stand depression
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