i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
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That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
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I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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