Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
