i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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