I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
