I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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