Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
