On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Drunk is not a location!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
