They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
