My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
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But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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