guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
