nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize