at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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