OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
