I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?