At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.