from now on my penis is your penis
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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